So, your friend's just scored a swanky new job/bloke/life - and you're happy for her...you really are. Well, you would be if she'd shut up about it.
"Love live bully"
It doesn't matter wheter you're single or coupled up, you could still fall foul of a love life bully, as J found out when her friend, S, met a new guy online. " Earlier last year, S said she fancied trying internet dating. So she joined a popular dating website, ad met her boyfriend, M, six months ago. When she triedto persuade me to try it, I told her I didn't want to trawl the web to meet someone. But she wouldn't let iot go. One day I lost it and told her to leave me alone. Thankfully, she's now realised how much she was upsetting me."
And let's not forget the break-up bully. Suddenly single, she's back on the dating scene with a vengeance and she wants you as her wing-woman! If you're solo, you'll probably start to worry you'll never actually meet anyone if you don't go along with her wacky dating schemes; if you're attached, seeing her having" so much fun" might make you think you're missing out.
Beat the Bully
Don't lose your cool every time she mentions the words "speed" and " date" in the same sentence - you need to accept that you can't change a life bully, only your reactions to them.
" If you're on the recieving end of someone saying how wonderful their new life is, step back and say, ' I'm okay with my life',"
" If a friend meets a man online and sys you should do the same, all you have to say is,' I'm glad it's worked out for you, but i;m happy as I am now'," (therapist Caron Barruw)
Youre pal needs to understand that what's right for her love life isn't necessarily right for yours.
"Work Life" Bully
Who can say, hand on heart, they don't feel a teeny tremor of panic when a friend lands an amazing new job? Often, it'll send you into a spiral of self-doubt about your own career.
C, accidentally became a work life bully when she swapped her job in finance for a shiny new role in publishing. " L and I always had similar roles in finance companies, so when I finally managed to get out, I tried to encourage her to do the same. I'd tell her how I couldn't imagine spending all morning in a boring boardroom anymore. I was trying to show her I was living proof that she could escape her mind-numbing job, but I just made her feel bad about herself. When she finally told me how she felt, I was mortified."
Beat the Bully
"It's natural to feel jealous when a friend lands a new terrific job but try to use her success as a chance to look at your own goals. If you're not happy where you are, fine; if not, it's a good time to reassess where you want to be and how you're going to get there." (therapist Caron Barruw)
"Home Life" Bully
How many times have you logged onto Facebook to see a picture of your mate on top of some mountain in Timbuktu, or your friend who's just recieved the keys to her shiny new flat? Where home life bullies are concerned, it seems their only goal is t make you feel miserable.
C, from the UK, knows all about this. " When M moved to Sydney, I was pleased for her. But, after a while, the tone of her status updates started getting to me. She'd write things like, ' M is enjoying the sunshine. Stuff English summers' It felt like she was looking down on everyone stupid enough to still want to live in the UK. It got to the point where I almost de-friended her!"
Beat the Bully
When I became a bully, I wasn't looking down on the friends I'd left behind; I just wanted to be reassured that I'd made the right choice in leaving my brilliant job. " Life bullies seem confident, but some of them are actually insecure. Telling them,' You're so right to have made that decision', is often all they need," (therapist Caron Barruw)
** or they may even just want to make u think that they're doing fine over there=)
"Body" Bully
Here's one we all recognise: the body bully.
She's that annoying girl at work who's always harping on about how much weight she's lost on her new detox diet, or the friend who ditches girls' nights out for early morning sessions on the treadmill and wants you as her gym partner. It's something K, experienced when her best friend, J, went macrobiotic.
" J and I were always roughtly the same size, 12-14, but, when she got a new job, she decided she wanted to lost weight to keep up with her skinny colleagues. Within six months, she'd gone from a size 12 to a size 8 ( ausi size). She looked amazing, and I was really pleased for her. But the she started to nag me about the foods I ate and how little exercise I did. Suddenly, I started questioning if I did need to lose a few kilos. When she presented me with a detailed exercise and eating plan she'd drawn up for me. I had to explain to her that I was happy the way I was."
Beat the Bully
" The key to all these issues is to be sure of who you are,"
" If they don't feel confident, most people buy into the insecurity and end up competing with that person. You should simply say, ' It's not a life choice I want to make, but I understand why it works for you'," (therapist Caron Barruw)
And hopefully they'll leave it all that!
Live and Let Live
But don't be too hard on life bullies- they do have your best interests at heart. And, if their happiness forces you to address a part of your life that's making you unhappy, then they've done you a favour. After all, there's probably a life bully inside us all, just waiting for the right opportunity to pounce.
**Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path**
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